Latest from Death Cafe in Tucson, Arizona with Kristine Bentz

Write ups of the May Death Cafes by Kristine Bentz 

MAY 3, 2013: Tucson Death Café held a special edition at an extraordinarily scenic location: the Higher Pyre in Tubac, Arizona. About 25 fearless and friendly folks headed south of Tucson to this private property situated near Elephant Head and Madera Canyon in the Santa Rita Mountains. While it is not a cremation facility serving the general public as of today, the owners are working toward it becoming a legally operating facility in the future, so individuals and families will have open-air cremation as a disposition choice in Arizona.

The sunset was spectacular, the food was even better, and the company --- well if you’ve been to death café, you know. The company is always interesting and our conversations explore beyond the norms of your everyday ‘party realm’. With a fire burning in a pyre – how could conversations be of an everyday nature, anyway?

We held a brief ceremony to honor our ancestors and then lit the fire in a soundless awe. Under the canopy of a pitch-black night sky, the fire crackled a vibrant and powerful message. Live now. We all stood hushed by the tall flames for a while, and then many of us felt the metaphorical fires lit under our collective behind, to help this pyre become an active facility in the near future!

May 7, 2013: Back in Tucson at Bookman’s Community Room, the usual meeting place & time since December 2012, we met for our biggest gathering yet. Due to this recent article in the Arizona Daily Star, we anticipated more attendance. We were a bit overwhelmed with the 37 people who did come. Growing pains? Yes. And the pains provided helpful lessons.

I’ve heard Jon Underwood explain how the ideal size for a Death Café is somewhere around 10-15 people. This number varies, of course, based on the facility where the gathering occurs, number of facilitators and so on. (After this meeting however, the numbers 10-15 felt even more attractive, if not a bit magical.) Back when our group was this size early on, the experience was smoother and more relaxed, more in-tune with the guiding principles of the Death Café.

As facilitators for May 7th, Cindy and I did our best to come up with ways for being in the small space with a large group in a respectful, fairly quiet, yet active manner. We chose to emphasize the ‘making the most of our finite lives’ aspect of the death cafe principles. We posted these questions around the room on the walls, and participants wrote answers on sticky notes, placing replies on the walls by the question. We asked ourselves:

Who are the happiest people I know and why?

What things do I want to try for the first time?

What places in my own town do I want to explore more?

What are the simple pleasures I want to make more time for?

When do I feel most ALIVE?
Overall, the activity seemed to work fairly well. (Quality sticky notes do help!) Some people expressed enjoyment. Yet a few folks registered dismay for not really looking squarely at death. We sat in a large circle to close and a broader conversation through sharing ensued.

The toughest part of this gathering presented itself afterward. An frail elderly gentleman who was referred to the Café by hospice bereavement staff chose to attend. His wife died in February. He was physically and mentally unable to be safely present and he collapsed in the bookstore afterward.

I mention this laborious and sorrowful part of our learning process so others may take special note: *** we are not a bereavement resource for principle mourners of recent death(s) ***. After this challenging experience, I cannot say this enough.

I see how, as a worldwide movement, we are doing what we can to hold spaces for positive and life-affirming experiences at Death Cafés. In Tucson, Cindy and I hope for people to enjoy themselves and leave with a sense of expanded awareness. To this end, we are changing the time, place and format next Tucson Death Café. We curiously look forward to what the next phase of this adventure holds! We intend to experience a freer-form environment with much less structure and much more freedom to explore topics anybody chooses to dive into with the people they meet. Next Café: Tuesday June 4th from 7-9PM at Monterey Court Studio Galleries and Café, on the north ramada. Learn more at: www.facebook.com/TucsonDeathCafe

Death Cafe Northern Nevada with Paula Schneider and Laurie Jain

Paula writes: Laurie and I consider it an honor to hold the space for the state of Nevada’s first Death Café. As two RN’s who have a combined 15 years of hospice nursing experience, assisting people to make a peaceful transition from this existence to the next, we feel that conversations about death and dying are extremely important to all people. As we discuss these issues, we feel participants’ fear will lessen, allowing people to open up to conversations with their own families about their end-of-life wishes and other topics in this area. We are very excited about interacting with our community and providing this opportunity for an expansion of everyone’s awareness. Our time together is open to all who are interested, and we will monitor the flow of conversation to uphold the principles of the Death Café movement.

First Death Cafe in New Zealand with Nicola Carroll and Zoe Alford

2nd Death Cafe Santa Barbara write-up

by Lynn Holzman

We had our second Death Cafe Santa Barbara on Monday, May 6th from 6-8PM. 

This time we had it in a community center. We advertised in our local free newspaper. About 30 people came. 

 We served tea and cake and used my grandmother's teacup collection. 

We started with general information about Death Cafes. Then people introduced themselves. I proposed a conversation starter and we split into small groups for discussion. The topic was "Discuss the first death you remember, or the most recent, or the most memorable". 

After that we reconvened in a circle to "wrap up". It was suggested that we go around the room and say an affirmation about life moving forward. Laughter erupted as did tears during the evening. 

I printed up a "death anxiety" questionnaire for people to refer to or take home: http://www.blinn.edu/socialscience/LDThomas/Feldman/Handouts/1904hand.htm

I had evaluation forms available, but no one has turned one in to me. 

I got a few emails of thanks. I got no negative feedback. The following is my favorite comment:

"My heart is so full of joy after tonight's Death Cafe"

We are in the process of planning our 3rd Death Cafe Santa Barbara

Death Cafe in London with Kate Hambleton and Tony Piper

St Joseph’s Hospice calls on community to talk about death and dying

St Joseph’s Hospice is hosting a Living and Dying Well Roadshow on Friday 17 May from 11am-2pm as part of Dying Matters Awareness Week.

Twenty local organisations including City & Hackney Mind, Richard House, Macmillan and Marie Curie will be showcasing the vast range of local services available to people affected by long term and life limiting conditions. Visitors can have enjoy free complementary therapy sessions and listen to live music performed by City of London Sinfonia who will be performing the premiere of a St Joseph’s song which has been written over the course of a number of workshops, by patients, staff and volunteers at the hospice, led by composer John K Miles.

Visitors can also take part in a Death Café scheduled at 1pm and hosted by Kate Hambleton, St Joseph’s Hospice and Tony Piper, Down to Earth.

For more information about this event, contact Noleen Turner on n.turner@stjh.org.uk or telephone 020 8525 3139.

Notes:

St Joseph’s Hospice provides a broad range of services to enrich the lives of patients and their families from the diverse communities of east and north-east London. St Joseph’s end of life care is available to all those who can benefit from it, working to meet all the needs of patients, including those which reflect their ethnic, cultural or religious heritage. All services are provided free. St Joseph’s is a charity and depends on the generosity of its supporters to enable it to continue its work.

www.stjh.org.uk

@StJoHospice

Set up by the National Council for Palliative Care in 2009, (NCPC) the Dying Matters Coalition aims to encourage people to talk about their own end of life issues with friends, family and loved ones in order to make ‘a good death’ possible for the 500,000 people who die in England each year.

Research for Dying Matters has found that many people have specific wishes about their end of life care or what they would like to happen to them after their death, but a reluctance to discuss these issues makes it much less likely that these will be met. There is a major mismatch between people’s preferences for where they would like to die and their actual place of death: 70% of people would prefer to die at home but more than half currently die in hospital.

Death Cafe in New South Wales, Australia with Kim Ryder

Death Cafe Toronto with Linda Stuart

Death Cafe in London with Jon Underwood

 

Death Cafe in Oxford with Claire Turnham and OxBEL

100th Death Cafe

Yesterday our 100th Death Cafes took place. 

As things turned out, this was Verona, Italy with Elisabetta Lucchi and Hilary Wilson. It was in the Casa Di Ramia Intercultural Centre for Disadvantaged Women, and was organised at the womens' request.

Our 100th Death Cafe feels really significant and is certainly an opportunity to look back joyfully. In the US, England, Canada, Wales, Australia and Italy (and soon to be Scotland and New Zealand) people have gathered over food and drink to discuss death. And as you can see from this blog, the results are often magical.

These events have been brought to you by a number of people, including Bernard Crettaz, Sue Barsky Reid, Lizzy Miles and me. But they also include all of you who have organised or been to a Death Cafe, or read about and rejoiced in this work. Thanks everyone so much! * group hug *

It felt good to mark the occasion (even if I didn't get to mention it) with a national UK radio interview which got a lovely response: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01sc9c9 (Death Cafe bit starts just after 49mins in). This resulted in an extra 750 people visiting this site.

Those working on Death Cafe are a diverse bunch but I think we're all proud of what we've achieved and are very much looking to the future. And talking of which, we said there would be a something special for our 100th Death Cafe and there is...

Despite there having been 100, Death Cafes have actually only happened in around 30 places. It's ok if you live in Bury St Edmunds or Columbus, Vancouver or Ann Arbor but what if you don't?

There is something special about meeting in person to discuss death and dying but could the Death Cafe magic be recreated over the phone or the internet? We're curious to find out. 

Lizzy, Don, Dale, me, Nigel, Kristie and others have been exchanging ideas about this for a while. We have decided to trail Death Cafes over the internet and phone for a short period of time.

Please stay posted for a schedule and join us in finding out if this works - if so it will enable more people to have relaxed, joyful conversations about death. 

Jon

Death Cafe Facilitators

Would you be interested in being part of this experiment? We need people to:

• Offer a trial Death Cafe to a small group of participants over the phone, skype or Google+
• In advance of this help to develop a short guidance note to help facilitators
• After the trials help collate findings and draw some conclusions about whether / how best to continue
• Help with booking and scheduling

If you'd like be be involved please get in contact: underwoodjon @ gmail.com

Pagan Spirit Gathering, Earlville, IL with Sherry Gilles and Raymond Anderson

Week of June 16, 2013 date TBA on site

Pagan Spirit Gathering, Earlville, IL

Free to attend for those at this well-known, well-attended Pagan gathering

Our community has experienced many deaths this past year. Pagans are more likely to acknowledge the circle of life but still have trouble finding people to talk with about death and there are many who have not really given death and dying much thought. Hosting the conversations around death is important in order to support our community members and friends.

We will be burning incense and lighting candles to provide a soothing atmosphere and have squishy stuffed puppies to provide tactile comfort. We have also been in contact with our camp's onsite psychological support team and they will be at the cafe to provide back up support if needed since we cannot anticipate how many people may show up at this cafe.

Hosts are Sherry Gilles and Raymond Anderson. Sherry is an RN with over 22 years of experience dealing with people and their health, physical and psychological issues. Both have experienced deep personal losses in their lives and believe in helping others through service.

We will be offering snacks that don't melt and which (hopefully) won't be eaten by raccoons while camping and offering tea. We will do our best to provide something suitable for the vegan crowd as well as providing old standards of child hood like moon pies and crumb cakes. Crowd-permitting perhaps we can send a picture or two after the event. Hopefully our dancing skeleton aprons arrive in time!

Death Cafe Santa Cruz, California with the Santa Cruz Threshold Group

The Santa Cruz Threshold Group warmly invites you to a Death Cafe, date TBC in June or July. We held our first Death Café on April 21st.

The Death Café movement, which began in England in 2011, has the following objective: “to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives.” (see www.deathcafe.com).

There will be refreshments and sharing about death in a nurturing, peaceful, and safe environment.

Please join us.

Please email Joya Birns (joyabirns @ gmail.com) to let us know if you'd like to find our more / attend.

The Santa Cruz, CA Threshold Group Biography:
The Santa Cruz Threshold Group is comprised of 8-10 core members from several spiritual streams (including Anthroposophical, Buddhist, Jewish) and with varying degrees of experience (social, legal, medical, practical, personal) in end-of-life matters. We meet monthly and are committed to holding an evolving, open and life-enhancing conversation on all matters related to death and dying with dignity. We all feel that a denial of death deprives us of one of the most valuable aspects of human experience and connection. We are grateful to Jon Underwood for providing a framework for a wider conversation in our community through the Death Cafe movement.

Joya Birns:
Being like most Americans - lacking in understanding of death growing up - when my husband was diagnosed with a very rare cancer 4 years ago, I decided it was important to face it squarely, learning more about it and the new awarenesses surrounding natural death and dying I had heard about in recent times. After attending a local workshop on the subject in spring of 2011, I called together fellow attendees to go further in exploration together. We named ourselves the Santa Cruz Threshold Group. Meeting and discussing all aspects of the subject together has helped me become a better caregiver for my husband as well as to realize I am really in this to prepare my own death, which I intend to make as conscious as possible.

Craig Wiggins:

I first encountered death around the age of ten when aged aunts and uncles passed on. The unreal atmosphere and hush-hush way of dealing with the situation gave way to a more natural atmosphere when I ran into The Christian Community and the Anthroposophical movement in Holland in the 1980's. No strained use of code words, no tensions about laying out a loved one for a vigil at home or in the chapel; there were open-hearted conversations about the path towards death and the experience itself whether horrible or peaceful. I experienced powerful moments during funerals when the true being of the deceased became present through rituals, biographical contributions, artistic engagement. Helping dying and death become a more welcome stretch of our path through life is one of my personal and professional goals as a resident of the 21st Century and as priest in The Christian Community.

Holly Blue Hawkins:
Holly Blue Hawkins, a member of a Chevre Kadisha (Jewish burial society), counsels and teaches on the practical and spiritual aspects of conscious dying and sustainable burial. Last Respects Consulting is the expression of her deep commitment to furthering awareness and preparation for the end-of-life journey.

Death Cafe in San Diego with Karen Van Dyke and Lainey Walker

Karen Van Dyke

Karen writes:

On Monday, May 13th the San Diego Community will experience the first Death Café at Casa de Luz in North Park at 6:30pm.

Talking about dying helps people to prepare for their own or other family members passing so that they live life more fully. The Death Café breathes life into the topic of death.

My Dad transitioned when I was 8 years old and my Mother when I was 23. Six years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer meeting death at the threshold. Two years ago I stood at the bedside of my sister, Judy, as she transitioned from this life, it was a beautiful and sacred time. Death is not our enemy it is part of the cycle of life. Thank you Jon Underwood for helping the topic of dying to go viral. You truly are the “death entrepreneur”.

The Death Café’s remind me of this beautiful poem by Ernest Hemingway –

For Whom the Bell Tolls

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manner of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

Mr. Hemingway, I think you are on to something. We will all die…so that we live.

Death Cafe in Norwich, England with Beth Settle

A Death Cafe will take place at the Greenhouse Cafe, Norwich, on Saturday 18th May at 10.30-12.30.

It will provide a safe and comfortable environment for people to openly discuss, and share their thoughts and reflections on, death and dying. All are welcome.

This Death Cafe is a booking-only event with limited places. It is free but donations are requested where possible to cover the cost of refreshments, which will be hot/cold drinks and cake.

To book please contact Beth Settle on bethany.settle@gmail.com (those without email access are welcome to leave a message on 01603 940012).

Report from the First PDX Death Café!

If asked to go indoors on a gloriously sunny springtime day to talk about Death, would you expect to describe the experience as fun, exciting, inspirational or enlivening? Those in fact are some of the most common words participants used to describe the first PDX Death Café, held April 28 at the Bijou Café in downtown Portland, Oregon.

The top descriptors volunteered by our 60 participants were: interesting, informative, enlightening, and educational – remarkable given that this event presented absolutely no "content". No featured speakers, no presentations, no informational handouts. The format consisted exclusively of sitting with three or four strangers and sharing why they chose to come to a Death Café.  About half of our tables included a host, but many were entirely self-facilitated (following a few general guidelines offered in our opening). Some chose to draw from additional conversation-starters on their tables, and others generated their own flow from topic to topic.

When commenting on the most enjoyable aspect of the event, the majority mentioned some variation on “engaging with the topic openly and easily; connecting to people with different perspectives”:

• “Meeting new people and hearing their stories. Feeling commonality and deep compassion.”
• “Talking about death in such a matter-of-fact way was a great way to connect on a touchy topic.”
• “The delight of free exchange with strangers so willing to speak openly.”
• “Bold exposing of life experiences that are often hidden.”
• “Sharing experiences of loss/ mortality with others.”
• “The ease of making community amongst strangers.”

Several specifically appreciated the cross-generational aspect of the conversation and “being surprised by people's perspectives/ experiences.”

Other words used by participants included: heart-warming, deep, transgressive, crucial, fascinating, intimate, practical, safe, sweet, useful, and connecting.

100% who completed evaluation forms said they would recommend the Death Café to friends or family. 95% said they would consider attending a future Death Café, 67% strongly agreeing. As another extraordinary measure of how engaged participants were, 94% filled out evaluation forms.

Impact
91% agreed that, “The event had a positive impact on me”; 50% agreed strongly, while 7% were neutral on this measure and one person disagreed.

The Death Café is not intended to change people’s views or even to make them more comfortable with the idea of death. Consistent with evaluations done by US Café pioneer Lizzy Miles, we found that many participants did not cite big changes as the strongest measure of their experience. While 52% did agree, “I feel more comfortable talking about death and dying now” (27% strongly agreeing), 35% were neutral on this statement, and 12% disagreed – several commenting that they came in comfortable with the topic. Only 28% reported a change in their perspective on death and dying.

What 87% of participants did report was: “It was helpful for me to meet people with different viewpoints”; 55% strongly agreed with this statement.

Format
100% reported feeling “comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings about death.” 96% found the structure “conducive to conversation, with 66% strongly agreeing and one person disagreeing. 96% affirmed that they did not feel pressured to talk, with the other 4% neutral on this question.

Facilitation and facilitators scored only high marks, with 98% agreeing they created a safe environment for discussion, were caring, and treated people with respect (a few people were neutral on these questions). People described the facilitators as superb, great, well-organized, easy and fun, comfortable; “excellent caretakers of the space”.

We received five comments from people at tables without facilitators who reported that the conversation sometimes got dominated or sidetracked (one said it was “slightly highjacked by a funeral professional”). Another three said they didn’t miss having a facilitator at their table, saying the opening question (Why did you come?) “facilitated itself” and that the “conversation flowed very well.”

Six people mentioned wanting more time. Two wished for the chance to rotate tables part-way through. While a strong majority favor sticking with an open conversational format, several offered suggestions for focal topics.

The space received generally favorable response, with 85% rating the environment appropriate for the event (54% strongly so) with others finding the noise level too high or the parking meters a hassle.

Who Came?
An astonishing 100 people expressed interest in attending, with 72 confirming before we closed registration – this with zero advertising or local news media coverage. Our no-show rate was only 16%.

Of the 86% who chose to indicate their gender, 21% were male and 79% female. By age:

• The largest cluster were 65-74 (30%). 
• One person was between 18-24 and one was 75-84. 
• The rest were evenly distributed: 22% were 25-34 and 22% were 55-64.
• 11% were 35-44 and another 11% were 45-54.

In a show of hands during our introduction, roughly two-thirds said they worked in a professional or volunteer capacity with grief, death, or dying. Several reported afterwards how welcome they found the opportunity to “let their hair down” and share their own personal experiences and beliefs rather than their employers’ or clients’.

How did you hear about Death Café? 

• 53% from friends, a cohost or a teacher
• 35% on Facebook
• 12% via national coverage on NPR, USA Today, MSNBC, or Huffington Post

When asked, “How would you describe your faith/ religion/ belief system?” one person wrote simply “I wouldn’t.” Of the 80% who chose to answer this question: 

• 28% said “spiritual”
• Eastern practices were referenced by 13%, from “Unitarian/ Buddhist” to “Buddhist/ Taoist” to “Zen” to “open with a spiritual/ Buddhist bent” and “non-practicing Buddhist"
• 8% used words like “exploring,” “open-minded,” “undecided,” “unknown”
• Several said “secular,” “agnostic” or “atheist”
• 8% named pagan or native spirituality practices
• Two listed religious science/ new thought
• Two used the words “mixture” and “eclectic”; the rest illustrated this with their own particular blend: “raised a Jew but became a witch at 30 while maintaining a cultural identity as a Jew,” “interfaith Catholic,” “naturalist/hopeful,” “Catholic who loves stained glass and prayers to saints,” “Urantia Book,” “Christian/questioning,” and “universal”.

What’s Next?
Along with many of my founding cohosts, I am excited about organizing more PDX Death Cafés! We’re looking at late June, late September, and early December. I’m also happy to coordinate with those of you who are interested in organizing your own Death Café – in your own neighborhood, for your own network, at a greater frequency, etc. If you’d like to help shape upcoming PDX Death Cafés (date, venue, format, etc.) or connect around organizing your own, watch for a survey link I’ll send in the coming week.

As For Me
Organizing the PDX Death Café was one of the absolute highlights of my 25+ years as a community organizer and professional facilitator. Now that I’ve crossed into the latter half of my own life and become a Life-Cycle Celebrant providing ceremonial support around the end of life, I’m hungry for connections with others willing to look this topic squarely in the face. That hunger, clearly, is shared. We all need community, especially around loss and mortality. Seeing so many people willing open their hearts and minds to each other and the great mysteries of life and death, was a profoundly moving experience. I am grateful to all who gave themselves to it.

Special thanks to the Bijou Cafe, global movement leader Jon Underwood (www.deathcafe.com) and mentors Lizzy Miles of Columbus Death Café and Kristine Bentz of Tucson Death Café.


Holly Pruett
Life-Cycle Celebrant

PDX Death Café Organizer

May 5, 2013

Death Cafe in Kennebunk, Maine with Kate Brown

My first Death Café at Café Rouge, Hampstead, London, UK

By Josefine Speyer, co-Founder of the Natural Death Centre

Monday 22 April 2013, 6.30pm – 8.30pm

This was the first time I held a Death Café in an actual café. Café Rouge in Hampstead has been my favourite café for I know not how many years. So the idea of a death café in the upstairs room, newly decorated, where we could be amongst ourselves, was absolutely ideal and I looked forward to it in anticipation. The manager was open to the idea of hosting us free of charge. There was just one request, that they hoped we would order enough food and drink to make it worth their while. In the event this was no problem.

We had 19 bookings and three cancellations on the day. But on the day 17 people attended and this seemed to be an ideal number to start us off. The age ranged from 15 – 75! The room has one big oval table and several small tables. We decided to rearrange to have two tables of nine. I asked Christianne Heal, a psychotherapist and friend to facilitate one table. Christianne runs Living with Dying workshops and has been a directors of the Natural Death Centre with me for many years. She was here as a punter but gracefully accepted and it worked brilliantly. Thank you Christianne!

To start us off I asked everyone to turn to introduce themselves, saying a little about why they decided to come, first in pairs and then around the table. For some people speaking in front of eight others is too much of a challenge and two people decided to pass, which is perfectly fine. Others were eager to engage in the round and to share in more depth, and soon a discussion developed. The evening passed too quickly and there was not enough time to come together as a whole group at the end. We had a closing round and then people filled in feedback sheets. Some people were not in a hurry to leave and stayed on chatting, ordering more drinks and looking at the folders I had left on the side table with photo reportages of family-organised, natural burials and the wide range of biodegradable coffins available in the UK.

People’s faces glowed. The general sense was one of openness , enthusiasm and warmth. Would one assume this to be the case at such an event, talking about death? I am not sure, but it is very much the norm from my experience. Death is an intimate subject that brings people close to each other in a very mutually respectful way and makes everyone feel very alive. It is a delight really and an inspiration, every time!

Not surprisingly people come back again and again. Several of the people booked had attended other death cafes with me before. One person had come all the way from Gloucestershire and is planning to host a Death Café in her area. I have death cafes planned for May and June and someone has asked if I could also hold one in July. It is a possibility. Next time the format will be slightly different as I see the potential of this room, and it will run from 6.30pm – 9.15pm. See you there!

Death Cafe Albuquerque with Gail Rubin

By Gail Rubin

Next Albuquerque Death Cafe:
Thursday May 23 2013 at 7:00 p.m.
The Center for Holistic Health
9412 Indian School Road NE (just east of Moon)

The Death Cafe is a free event where people come together in a relaxed confidential and safe setting to discuss mortality, drink tea (or your favorite beverage) and eat delicious cake or cookies. The objective of Death Cafe is “To increase awareness of death with a view toward helping people make the most of their (finite) lives.”

To participate in the next Albuquerque Death Cafe please email a note to Gail[at]AGoodGoodbye.com with your name, phone, city, state and how you heard about the event.

Albuquerque’s first Death Cafe was a big success!

At Albuquerque’s first Death Cafe event on September 30 2012 we had an interesting conversation – open and free-flowing with no agenda. Fifteen people came together to discuss mortality over tea and cookies.

“As The Doyenne of Death, I’m all about helping to start this conversation, and the Death Cafe is a wonderful way to take this topic out of the dark,” said Gail Rubin, coordinator of the event. “Death, if it’s discussed at all, is usually spoken about in furtive, low whispers. We’re all headed down this path eventually, let’s talk about our concerns, our hopes and fears.”

The first Death Cafe featured a wide ranging discussion of mortality issues such as living life to the fullest, bucket lists, aging in place and end-of-life decision-making. Questions pondered included “Would you want to die in your sleep?”“Does the idea of death make us want to live more fully?”and “Is it right for someone to dictate not having a funeral or memorial service?”

In the program evaluation forms,some of the terms used to describe the event were “thought-rovoking” “intriguing” “stimulating” “worthwhile” “comfortable” “informative” “practical” “interesting” “safe” “educational” and “fun.”

The Death Cafe concept started in England,where “stiff-upper-lip” Brits have an especially hard time talking about death. Founder Jon Underwood modeled it on the café mortel created by Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz. Underwood held his first Death Cafe event September 2011 in London. Hospice volunteer and thanatologist Lizzy Miles coordinated the first U.S. Death Cafe held in Columbus,Ohio July 2012.

Here are some articles about the Death Cafe concept:

USA Today:‘Death cafes’normalize a difficult,not morbid,topic

The Independent (U.K. newspaper):The death cafe movement:Tea and mortality

The Columbus Dispatch (Columbus,Ohio):Facing death,over tea and cake

An opinion piece in The New York Times mentioned the Death Cafe concept. Read about it in Bess Lovejoy’s “The Dead Have Something to Tell You”.

Death Cafe Northern Virginia with Kathie Conn and Rev. Barbara Watts

Death Cafe in New York with Rev. Jef Gamblée and Michelle Carter

Two Death Cafes will be held on May 28, a brown bag lunch at noon and a brown bag dinner at 6:30 at Fourth Unitarian Society of Westchester, 1698 Strawberry Rd., Mohegan Lake, NY. All are welcome. 

Along with your brown bag, attendees are invited to bring an individual dessert to share. 

Interim Minister and Hospice Chaplain, Rev. Jef Gamblée along with Funeral Director Michelle Carter are the event hosts.

Rev. Gamblée can be reached at 917-370-9711

Death Cafe in Hove, England with Tora Colwill

14th May
11.30am and 2pm for around an hour a time

Hove Town Hall, Norton Road, Hove, BN3 4AH.

We are a group of professionals working within the funeral industry. By talking openly about the topic of death we can share our difficult thoughts and renew our approach to life. 

Our first Death Cafés are taking place during 'Dying Matters Awareness Week' on the 14th May at Hove Town Hall. 

We will create a welcoming and inclusive environment - a safe place to meet and share your thoughts and feelings about death. 

The meetings won't be rigidly structured, we will simply go where the conversation takes us. We aim to end by contemplating how themes from the meeting may hold some positive influence on our perspective of the world.

We are being catered for by the lovely local cake company 'Twit Twoo Bakery' and require no donations. Cake AND death, you don't have to choose!

About Tora Colwill:

I have been a manager and event co-ordinator at the much loved Duke of York's Cinema for over 10 years, and I enjoy playing a part in the local cultural community. From a young age I had to develop my organisational skills and emotional maturity to arrange funerals for some special and interesting people I had been close to. I continue to explore the possibilities of a more personalised ritual. I now offer my services to help people through similar experiences.

Death Cafe in Belfast, Maine with Nancy McAlley

WHAT: Many people recognize that we live in a death denying culture and that we can live more fully if we embrace the fact that death happens. Death Café is a place with a relaxed, open, safe atmosphere where you are invited to share discussion with others, relating to issues surrounding life and death. This is not a support group but rather a forum of open discussion. 

WHO: Anyone is welcome. It is an event for all ages

WHEN: Tuesday, May 14 from 6:30pm – 8:00pm

WHERE: 9 Field St., Suite 340, Belfast, Maine

Complimentary food and drinks will be provided.

There is no fee to attend.

RSVP to Nancy at 342-3421 as space is limited.

Directions will be provided with RSVP

Nancy's Death Cafes were covered in the Bangor Daily News.

Death Cafe in Northern New Jersey with Charlotte Eulette and Rev. Jack Cuffari

Charlotte Eulette is the International Director for the Celebrant Foundation and Institute. We're proud to be working with her. 

Death Cafe in Lake Oswego/West Linn, Oregon with Terri Daniel

Lake Oswego/West Linn, OR.

Death Cafe

You may (or may not) have heard that an important conversation is being shared throughout the world about a topic that has traditionally been taboo in Western culture. The topic is death, and the conversation is being had in salon-style gatherings from Portland to Paris, known as Death Cafes.

At a death café, individuals of all ages and all social, political and spiritual perspectives come together to share some food and drink and have an honest discussion about death. A death cafe is a place where you can feel safe telling your story, asking your questions or sharing your unique personal perspective.  

The first Lake Oswego/West Linn Death Café will be facilitated by Terri Daniel, an author, educator and spiritual care provider to the dying and the bereaved.

Sunday, May 19, 2013, 5 – 8 pm

Pot Luck – Bring some food or drink to share

200 Burnham Rd. # 301

Lake Oswego, OR. 97034

Space is limited to only eight participants, so RSVPs are mandatory:
503 - 387 - 5092

Death Café Vancouver with Joan Trinh Pham & Ross Waddell

Death Café Vancouver

April 17, 2013

The first Death Café in Vancouver held on April 17, 2013 turned out to be a lovely and intimate affair.  The 14 people who attended, hosts included, found themselves in a warm, charming and rustic neighbourhood market-café thanks to the gracious donation of space by Le Marché St. George.

2 hours of conversation seemed to flow by in no time!  The spring sunshine of Vancouver gently faded through the windows as all the participants arrived and seated themselves around a small cluster of marble tables peppered with candles, a feather (a symbolic reminder to listen with openness and understanding) and sweet treats.  We started the evening by sharing the story of Death Cafés to date in order to locate this particular conversation in the tapestry of world-wide conversations.  We also shared the evening’s Death Café menu which was inspired by Jon and Susan’s very first Death Café gathering.  The menu was created to present items to nourish both body and conversation.

The first part of the conversation focused on introducing oneself and answering the question “What brings you to Death Café?”  As we went around the circle, stories of how people arrived to this particular evening unfurled quite beautifully and profoundly, spanning reasons that were both immediate (someone in my life is dying right now) to evolving (careers and lives that have been touched by the deaths of loved ones early in life).  One participant shared that he was contemplating the question of “how to be fully alive when dying.”  We had a very rich group of conversationalists who had many experiences of working with, living with and/or caring for dying people.  Conversationalists arrived through mutual friends and colleagues, a facebook notice and a neighbourhood mailing list.

After a short break for tea, fruits, croissants and cake we resumed the conversation.  We presented this invitation to the conversationalists:   Please think of something you would like to ask those present that would illuminate a question you have about death, dying and their meaning for life.  The three questions that emerged to shape the conversation:  For people who work with death, how do you face clients and their families and deal with the emotions around a client dying? How do people prepare for death? What is the experience of being a close friend / family member to someone who is dying?

Finally, we closed the circle by asking everyone:  Please share how the conversation tonight might have influenced your thoughts on death, dying and their meaning for life. Here conversationalists shared thoughtful reflections which included a stirring recitation of the poem “The Way It Is” by William Stafford and reverberant acapella lines from “The Peace of the Wild Things,” a poem by Wendell Berry arranged for choral performance by Joan Szymko.

We would like to extend sincere gratitude to all the conversationalists for this evening of deep listening and sharing.  Your presence, attention and insight are invaluable!  Evaluations rated the event highly and many positive comments were left.  We will certainly incorporate your thoughtful comments and suggestions in preparing for the next Death Café Vancouver!

Submitted by hosts,

Joan Trinh Pham & Ross Waddell

 
About the Hosts:
Ross Waddell is a strategic planning consultant to public and not-for-profit organizations. He currently advises the hospice palliative care community on political and public advocacy. Ross also co-leads a local section of an international association that conducts research and education on and with people who have had near-death experiences (iands.org). He is inspired by the stories of experiencers who for the most part have no fear of death following their experience.

Joan Trinh Pham is an art ninja disguised as a palliative care nurse. She currently works with elders and their family in a residential care setting. Joan is passionate about creating and sharing artistic work related to death & dying. She is an aspiring professional doodler who hopes to inspire and contribute to resonant and honest conversations so that people can #dieawesome. Her work can be found at www.joantrinhpham.com.
 

The Way It Is

 There’s a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change.  But it doesn’t change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can’t get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.
You don’t ever let go of the thread.

— William Stafford 

The Peace of Wild Things

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things 
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

— Wendell Berry