Death Café Alternative Summer

Wednesday evenings, 7 – 9pm

June 4^th with London Faerie 

June 20^th with Shokti Lovestar (for the LGBT community though all welcome)

July 4^th with Kristie West (tbc)

July 18^th with Sue Barsky Reid 

Cakey Muto, 25 Chatsworth Road, Hackney.

London is going to be super intense this summer. With the Olympics and the Queens Diamond Jubilee we are going to have a lot of the world’s attention.

In some ways it’s great to be hosting these events – there are 2 bank holidays this weekend (woo hoo!) There’ll be lots of good free stuff, like fireworks and festivals. And, who knows, maybe it will be a whole load of fun…

But for many of us these events ask questions. Considering everything, couldn’t we use the money for something better? Why can’t the world’s leaders behave with the same spirit as the world’s athletes? Shouldn’t we be thinking about something else?

And, short of leaving the city there’ll be nowhere to hide.

Death Café has decided to offer a series of 4 events in June and July to balance this energy and support those who are not afraid to look for answers. They’ll be held in the Olympics-land of East London, at the wonderful Cakey Muto Café.

The Death Cafés will be a natter about life from the perspective of death. We'll meet in a respectful, comfortable, confidential space and taboos about death will be lifted for the duration of the session. In our experience the conversation tends to be extremely convivial and refreshing. And the cakes are ace!

We are proud to have a group of excellent facilitators for our alternative summer of Death Cafes:

- London Faerie on Wednesday 4th June  

- Shokti Lovestar on Wednesday 20th June  
- Kristie West (tbc) on Wednesday July 4^th

- Sue Barsky Reid on Wednesday 18th July 

We are particularly proud that the session with Shokti is specifically for the LGBT community. As far as we know this is a world first (and if you know different we'd love to hear from you). Though this will be an LGBT Death Cafe all are welcome.

The Death Cafes run from 7 - 9pm. We'd very much like to have you join us. Please note that places are limited and we may not admit you if you're late.


Food, drinks (including booze) and most importantly cake are available throughout from Cakey Muto. The Death Cafe is then offered on a 'pay-what-you-want' basis so no one is excluded due to lack of cash. 

Let us know if you intend to come by emailing underwoodjon [at] gmail.com.

The first Death Cafe in the USA

Lizzy Miles, a thanatologist and social worker in Columbus Ohio, is trying to raise funds so that she can continue the Death Cafe concept across the pond. If you want to find out more about her efforts to host the first Death Cafe in the U.S. please visit Lizzy's Kickstarter page. We hope that Lizzy will inspire other facilitators to host Death Cafes in their cities.

What Really Happens When You Die

Death Cafe #14 - Wednesday 16th May, 7 - 9pm

This week is Dying Matters Awareness Week and in support of this we've organised our first Death Cafe to take place in the evening.


The Death Cafe will happen on Wednesday 16th May and will run from 7 - 9pm. The venue is the lovely Cakey Muto in East London. The address is 25 Chatsworth Road, E5 0LH. 


You'll be able to buy lovely food and drink from Cakey Muto. Please do come along and discuss death and dying in this convivial setting!

Deadboy - Fireworks

Death Cafe in May

We've 2 Death Cafes organised for May in London. Please do join us for tea, cake and Death!

The first is on Saturday 5th May, 2 - 4pm at the Create Place, 29 Old Ford Road, Bethnal Green, E2 9PJ. This will be facilitated by Sue Barsky Reid.

The second will be at Cakey Muto, 25 Chatsworth Road, Hackney, E5 0LH. It'll run from 7 - 9pm on Wednesday 16th May and will be facilitated by Jon Underwood.


Both of these look set to be really interesting events so please do come along. Let us know if you plan to come via jon [at] gmail.com. 

Death Cafe music

We tend to play this at the end of each Death Cafe.

Tackling the big taboos: birth, sex and death at The Pot

London Faeire photographed by Matt Christie

Blog post by London Faerie


Not much about human life is consistent from culture to culture, from place to place; but wherever you go you'll find birth, sex and death. Why? Because without them, there is no human life.


As well as being universal and constant, they are subjects that arouse fear and taboo in many cultures - particularly in the West, where we are somewhat squeamish about and uncomfortable with all three. We have medicalised, sanitised and regulated birth to such an extent that it has become something that we can only imagine as pain and heavy sedation. Sex is everywhere and nowhere, co-opted by the mainstream as a way to sell products while the deeper possibilities for heart connection and intimacy remain challenging and problematic for most people. And death - death, the great leveller, the great constant we hold in awe and terror - death is the biggest taboo of the three. In our skinny latte super youthful grow grow grow and never stop late-Capitalist society, death is too horrific to contemplate, too 'anti-life' to permit in polite conversation.


We can run, but we can't hide. Death will get each of us when *it* is ready, and in a culture that's terrified of ageing and unable to speak openly about death, many will be found deeply unprepared for its arrival.


The irony is, turning away from death is much more anti-life than facing it square-on. And this is the beauty of Death Café: it enables us who are living to talk about death, so we can make the most of our finite lives.


At Sacred Pleasures we do a mean line in exploring sex and sexuality, taking people from co-opted and societally-vetted 'alternative sex' spaces like Torture Garden and Fever, and inviting them into a deep open-hearted community where so much more is possible.


Earlier this year we also explored new approaches to birth through Birth Into Being, a beautiful workshop faciliated by talented shamanic healer Avi Esther. BIB was an exploration of ecstatic birth, a space for people to revisit their early years and their birth, to 're-imprint' those (often unhappy) memories with brighter, sweeter ones.


So it made perfect sense for us to open our last month at our venue "The Pot" by hosting Death Café: a fitting way to celebrate and mourn the end of phase one of this exciting (ad)venture.

Kristie West

As Death Café approached, it was exciting to see the amazing collection of people assembling for it. It felt particularly good to have Death Café's founder Jon Underwood serving the group while grief specialist Kristie West facilitated one circle and I facilitated the other. I was also excited to welcome birth doula Avi Esther, shamanic writer and teacher Shokti and Sacred Kink practitioner Claire Black into the space - many of my chosen family coming together as I moved into mourning for this beautiful space and the magic it has held.


The day came and the energy around it was wonderful. It was a rainy day and almost everyone turned up: a lively 19 participants arrived bearing homemade brownies, skull biscuits and other deathly delights.

Kristie's group discuss life and death

I can't say too much about the things we spoke about over the Death Café table, to respect the confidentiality of those who attended. What I can say is that it was clear from the depth of the discussion, and the beautiful feeling in the room at the end, that this is powerful work indeed. There's something really profound and empowering about lifting the lid off a taboo and giving people permission to dive right into it. From what Jon says about the various Café he's been involved with, people really want to open their hearts and share their experiences about death and dying. They just don't have a space in which to do it, and Death Café enables that beautifully.


After the two groups had talked for an hour and a half, we came together in a big circle and people shared whatever they wanted to with the wider group. Some expressed gratitude, some voiced grief, some remembered loved ones who had gone. Jon, who'd been standing all afternoon doing the tea and cakes, sat down. The feeling of openness, love and connection was palpable. It was a beautiful and fitting way to begin the mourning process for The Pot, and to bring some 'death energy' into our magical space.

The cake!!!

After the Café ended people were invited to stay for a movie. In this case I'd chosen "What Dreams May Come" as it felt resonant with the theme and I'd found it heartful and moving when I watched it before. 8 participants from the Café stayed on and watched the film together, and it split people down the middle - half the group really enjoyed the film and resonated with it, the other half did not. No-one was in the middle, and there was an interesting discussion afterwards about what it meant to each person.


As they were leaving one of the guests pointed out that another one was looking quite fragile and might benefit from some grounding. I did a simple grounding activity I'd learnt at a recent Northern Drum workshop, and they immediately started crying. Over the next three hours me and two other practitioners worked together to support this beautiful being to open up a little, and to release some of their own pain around death and loss. It was a very intense impromptu session that felt absolutely 'necessary', something that had emerged naturally from Death Café and could not be denied or postponed. It was happening right now, and I was glad to have support in working with it.


This powerful ending to the day showed the potential of Death Café to help people open and connect with deeper parts of themselves, and although it was quite tough at times, it felt really worthwhile to end the day this way.


All was said and done around 2am, and I collapsed in my bed a contented heap. So much had happened and it had been a beautiful day - not at all morbid, and full of love, heart and soul. I'm glad I had a chance to host a Death Café at The Pot, and look forward to facilitating and attending more of them again in the future. This is beautiful work!

London Faerie is a practitioner and teacher of Ecstatic BDSM. He is the founder of Sacred Pleasures, London's sex-positive space for personal growth. 

Natural Death Centre Salute

The NDC's trustee board - Left - Right: Richard Putt (Trustee), Fran Hall (Chair), Rosie Inman-Cook (Centre Manager),Rupert Callender (Trustee), Susan Morris (Trustee & Company Secretary)

On the 14th April 2012 the Natural Death Centre celebrated 21 years of life. For me the NDC are a very special organisation. I picked up a battered copy of their handbook in a charity shop in Islington about a decade ago. Reading it was like being slapped around the face in the best possible way. They opened up some radical possibilities that completely transformed the way I thought about death. Their impact on me personally has been longstanding - no NDC no Death Cafe. Thanks for everything NDC, wishing you another 21 years and more.

Tupac at Coachella

Attendees at the Coachella festival in California yesterday were given a rare treat. Snoop Dogg and Dr Dre, two of the biggest stars in hip hop were joined on stage by a surprise guest - Tupac Shakur. Tupac saluted the audience shouting 'What up Coachella' before launching into one of his hits. There's only one thing strange about this, Tupac was shot dead in 1996.
The hologram effect took 4 months to create and is chillingly real. Apparently this apparition now has a Twitter account. Tupac is back from the dead!

Death Cafe in Chester

By Sue Barsky Reid


I had facilitated five Death Cafes in London, including two in the South Bank Centre but this was to be the first Death Cafe outside London, in Chester where I live.


It was to be a pop-up café in my home. After discussions with Jon I began to let my personal networks know that I was planning to do this. My friends and acquaintances offered a variety of responses. Several friends, who had expressed great interest and enthusiasm in theory, felt that they could not attend when I actually gave them a date. I suspect that this is possibly because of fear of the subject matter. I had about 12 expressions of interest but for practical reasons some could not make it.


The day arrived, the cake was baked, and Jon was coming down from London especially to offer support and be the waiter. I felt apprehensive, as all the prospective attendees were my friends. I wondered whether this would change the dynamic, and prevent the discussion from being as rich and varied as it had been in the previous cafes.


The appointed time of 2pm came and no one had arrived. Ten minutes passed and still it was empty. I received a couple of texts to inform me that people were on their way or were stuck in traffic. Eventually the bell rang and a friend with someone I did not know arrived, then another friend came so we decided to start.


We began in my usual way, of asking why people had decided to come. Even with the small number the discussion began immediately and was as varied and interesting as always. Our two remaining participants arrived and we continued. 


My memory of the content is always hazy after I have led a group, but I recollect that we laughed and were also moved to tears as people spoke about their experiences and feelings around funerals and loss. Three of the participants are Jewish and one is a Buddhist so there was lots of interest about the different cultures and beliefs around Death and rituals.

As usual we used the last half hour to think about our lives and what we had achieved and were proud of, what held us back and how we would overcome those barriers.


I need not have worried at the beginning, when interested people get together to speak about Death something magical seems to happen and the results although not predictable are always interesting and rich. 

RIP DJ Kenny Hawkes

The UK's underground music scene is one of the many things about this country worth celebrating. This is fuelled by hundreds of heroes like Brighton's Kenny Hawkes who died in mid-2011. Kenny was an epic house dj, responsible for some fantastic parties and some great records. I remember hearing him on the radio in Dublin, playing cool tune after cool tune after cool tune. Just pure freshness. RIP.

Death Music: John Talabot - El Oeste

Death Cafe update Spring 2012

We’ve on a high since the wonderful Death Festival at the Southbank Centre at the end of January. At this we enjoyed offering Death Cafe to 50 people at the Royal Festival Hall. (You can see our write-ups of this here and here if you haven’t already seen them).

Since then we’ve been busy introducing new people to the Death Café concept of tea, cake and conversation about death. We wrote a guide to running your own Death Café, which sparked interest from across the UK and even in America. If you’re even slightly attracted to the idea of setting up a Death Café in your bit of the world we’d advise you to bite the bullet and do it. The Death Cafés we have run are lovely, fun and not too much work. And we’ll help you to do it!

We held our first Death Café outside London in Chester, North West England, on the 17^th March. It was attended by 5 people and facilitated by Sue Barsky Reid. As with all the Death Cafés we’ve held to date, it was a profound, moving and memorable occasion. Sue has promised a write-up of the event when her busy schedule allows.

We have 2 further Death Cafes scheduled in the next month. London Faerie is running a Death Café in his East London venue The Pot on Easter Monday 9^th April, which will be facilitated by him and Death Café’s great friend Kristie West.

After that we will hold a Death Café on Saturday 5^th May from 2 – 4pm at a lovely new venue, the Create Place, in Bethnal Green. This will be facilitated by Sue Barsky Reid. Please get in touch if you’d like to come – places are limited! We'll also be announcing dates for more Death Cafes in the very near future.

In other news, Death Café’s Jon Underwood responded to the report of the UK Commission on Improving Dignity in Care by suggesting that fear of death was perhaps a reason for the poor care that older people sometimes received. A full version of this article was published on the wonderful Good Funeral Guide blog, which resulted in a lively and informative debate. A shorter version was included on the Huffington Post site.

We have also been in touch with Bernard Crettaz, who came up with the idea of Café Mortels in Switzerland. He is very happy that we’re running Death Cafes in the UK and helping to spread the idea. We hope to have a video interview with him for the Death Cafe website this year. This will be filmed and translated by our Anglo-Swiss friend Marianne Hartley.  

Finally our friends at e-membrance decided to film an interview with Jon from Death Café. In this Jon talks about what Death Café is his motivation for the work in his own inimitable style. If you missed it you can catch it on the website here.

Video interview of Jon from Death Cafe

This was produced by Steve from e-membrance. 

Death Cafe North West

After several successful exciting and joyful sessions in London, including at the South Bank Centre, Death Cafe is coming to the North West.  

This Saturday we will be enhancing our lives by talking about death. Come and join the discussion whilst having tea and cake.

The Death Cafe will take place in Chester, from 2 - 4pm on Saturday 17th March. If you want to join us email barskyreid [at] btinternet.com

How to live given the certainty of death

Watch it on Academic Earth

Life is a killer...

By David Hockney

Confetti

Cremation

Max Capacity skulls

Love these images from the excellent Max Capacity blog.

Image de mort #15

Carl Jung speaks about Death

Happy weekend

Death Cafe ... putting the 'eat' in 'death'

My Experience at Death Cafe

By Sue Barsky Reid

Sue has been a regular facilitator of Death Cafes in London since we started offering them in 2011. This year she is planning to offer them in Chester and Cardiff. Here she offers her reflections on the Southbank Death Festival.

I was very excited to find out that Death Café was going to be available to a wider group for the first time in such an amazing venue as the South Bank Centre. Death was going public!

The four previous Death Café had been exciting and stimulating. Each group of people who participated brought something unique so that each café was so different. The ages of the groups ranged from early twenties to mid sixties. They attended Death Cafe for a wide variety of reasons but all shared an interest in death. Most had heard of us from an on-line source. Some café members had experienced the death of close relatives, or had a profound fear of death. A few were just curious and some were in the 'death industry'.

So here we were with no one prebooked, not sure whether we would fill one of our three tables, feeling excited and apprehensive. Lots of people were at the exhibition. Would they know more about death than me? And would they like the cakes which I had lovingly baked?

We prepared the space which was not ideal as it was open to the sounds of the centre, which did not help to make it feel private and safe to talk. In Hackney we were used to a cosy room with a log fire and could set an atmosphere with specially chosen music. We helped people to feel nurtured by giving them a wide choice of hot and cold beverages and here it was only feasible to offer one drink.

We went down to the main centre to offer leaflets and invitations to the exhibition goers and got some interesting responses which ranged from surprise and interest to disgust. The promise of free cake elicited a more enthusiastic response.

The time passed and suddenly we were fifteen minutes before our starting time and people started to arrive. Mine was the first table to be filled. There was a mixture of ages the majority of whom were women. As usual I explained about the origins of Death Café and the ground rules. After asking what brought them there that afternoon I sat and waited whilst people composed their thoughts. 

I am always very present in the moment during groups in which I participate but afterwards I am left with only a vague impression of what happened. My recollection is of lots of talk about ritual around death and burial. The approaches of different cultures were discussed as well as leaving ones body to medical science. Some participants were keen to speak, others said a little and one said nothing at all. Sometimes people work in a group with an internal rather than external dialogue. I was happy that the cake was enjoyed. After the hour was over I felt stimulated excited and privileged to have participated.

  

The second day the exhibition was not so well attended so the three groups were

slightly smaller, although I believe that on both days people were turned away.

There were eight people in my group on the second day with an even number of men and women. Several group participants were in the death industry and when I asked them about their motivations for this work the reason they gave turned out to be very moving. The discussion on the second day touched me and other group members on a deep and emotional level.

I believe that Death Café is doing something so worthwhile in giving space and time to a discussion of death I am proud to be a part of it.

Image de mort #14